As T. S. Eliot wrote:
These are only hints and guesses,
Hints followed by guesses; and the rest
Is prayer, observance, discipline, thought and action.
The hint half guessed, the gift half understood, is Incarnation.
January 26, 2003
Do not look forward to what might happen tomorrow; the same Everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering or He will give you an unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace, then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations. -- St Francis de Sales
January 18, 2003
My rant about death!
Everybody dies. Young fathers die. Kids die. Death doesn't care if you are an infant, a young person, whether you are good or bad. The mortality rate is 100% and it all seems so random.
It seems so unfair when young people die. They didn't have enough chance at life. They missed motherhood, fatherhood. Romance, wisdom. And the people left behind are devastated. I would be devastated if any of my kids died before me.
Auntie Blanche outlived four of her five daughters. And she was still serene and gracious. My Mom still has seven living children. But all of us have presented her with worries and suffering.
I don't want any of my kids to die before me. And I don't want them to suffer. And I don't want them to suffer about their kids. So I don't want my grandkids to get sick or to die, or to suffer either. And I don't want anyone to be afraid, of war, of violent crimes, or of death.
I want us all to live in perfect peace and safety. But that is not going to happen in this life. So I should just accept it and try to make peace with the idea of suffering.
I used to think I could pray it all away. I think I have prayed compulsively, right along with my worrying. And I have felt extremely guilty about my fear staying with me in spite of my prayers. It seemed that I did not trust God. But now I am starting to think that my obsessive anxiety has fueled my prayers, and so I may be forgiven for not "trusting." It's more a symptom of this obsession, not a judgment on my faith.
So now I just want to live a generous life, and make peace with suffering and death. It has always seemed weird to me that I worry more about my kids' death than my own -- which is why I can see that it probably has a lot to do with OCD. I even saw praying for people on a list of OCD behaviors. And it was an instant insight.
How can I grow in peace and trust? How can I let go of the anxiety, and not credit mainly the zoloft?
I suppose I can still learn to pray in confidence instead of in desperation to escape suffering. I am losing interest in so many things, perhaps I am depressed. I know I am depressed. I don't want more zoloft though, because I would like to get a handle on all this through counseling.
Making peace, letting go, having confidence and hope that all will be well. To do that I have to believe in God's gift of eternal life. I do believe, Lord help my unbelief. I want to believe in it so strongly that I see death as nothing to fear or resist, for myself or for my loved ones. But God is the one who gives us this will to live, to survive, to fight against death.
It doesn't yet make sense to me to have God be the one who both wills us to fight to live and wills us to not fear death. It seems to be an impossible tension. I cannot reconcile it. Every time I think I am ready to let go of loved ones, I take it back. Every time I think I am ready to die, I take it back. Then I desire immediately to not fear it, because fearing the death of my kids and loved ones makes me miserable.
So my desire to make peace with death is mostly self-interest. If I can just learn peace, I can stop this obsessive worry, which is truly a lot of suffering. I want out of the suffering. Maybe the selfish motive undermines the whole process. If I can learn to trust confidently in God's ability to bring me through all suffering, then I can allow suffering into the lives of my kids ( as if I have any control over it at all). Then my prayers can be less prayers of intense worry, and instead bring me closer to God, make me more like Jesus. That's so far off. I am just beginning to know myself.
There are also thoughts of war on everybody's mind. Suffering suffering suffering everywhere. C.S. Lewis saves my sanity by showing that suffering is not additive. There is no more actual suffering in the world than the suffering of the one person who is suffering the most. However, that can still seem horrendous, when I think of innocent babies suffering. I can't even read The Brothers Karamazov.
Everybody dies. Young fathers die. Kids die. Death doesn't care if you are an infant, a young person, whether you are good or bad. The mortality rate is 100% and it all seems so random.
It seems so unfair when young people die. They didn't have enough chance at life. They missed motherhood, fatherhood. Romance, wisdom. And the people left behind are devastated. I would be devastated if any of my kids died before me.
Auntie Blanche outlived four of her five daughters. And she was still serene and gracious. My Mom still has seven living children. But all of us have presented her with worries and suffering.
I don't want any of my kids to die before me. And I don't want them to suffer. And I don't want them to suffer about their kids. So I don't want my grandkids to get sick or to die, or to suffer either. And I don't want anyone to be afraid, of war, of violent crimes, or of death.
I want us all to live in perfect peace and safety. But that is not going to happen in this life. So I should just accept it and try to make peace with the idea of suffering.
I used to think I could pray it all away. I think I have prayed compulsively, right along with my worrying. And I have felt extremely guilty about my fear staying with me in spite of my prayers. It seemed that I did not trust God. But now I am starting to think that my obsessive anxiety has fueled my prayers, and so I may be forgiven for not "trusting." It's more a symptom of this obsession, not a judgment on my faith.
So now I just want to live a generous life, and make peace with suffering and death. It has always seemed weird to me that I worry more about my kids' death than my own -- which is why I can see that it probably has a lot to do with OCD. I even saw praying for people on a list of OCD behaviors. And it was an instant insight.
How can I grow in peace and trust? How can I let go of the anxiety, and not credit mainly the zoloft?
I suppose I can still learn to pray in confidence instead of in desperation to escape suffering. I am losing interest in so many things, perhaps I am depressed. I know I am depressed. I don't want more zoloft though, because I would like to get a handle on all this through counseling.
Making peace, letting go, having confidence and hope that all will be well. To do that I have to believe in God's gift of eternal life. I do believe, Lord help my unbelief. I want to believe in it so strongly that I see death as nothing to fear or resist, for myself or for my loved ones. But God is the one who gives us this will to live, to survive, to fight against death.
It doesn't yet make sense to me to have God be the one who both wills us to fight to live and wills us to not fear death. It seems to be an impossible tension. I cannot reconcile it. Every time I think I am ready to let go of loved ones, I take it back. Every time I think I am ready to die, I take it back. Then I desire immediately to not fear it, because fearing the death of my kids and loved ones makes me miserable.
So my desire to make peace with death is mostly self-interest. If I can just learn peace, I can stop this obsessive worry, which is truly a lot of suffering. I want out of the suffering. Maybe the selfish motive undermines the whole process. If I can learn to trust confidently in God's ability to bring me through all suffering, then I can allow suffering into the lives of my kids ( as if I have any control over it at all). Then my prayers can be less prayers of intense worry, and instead bring me closer to God, make me more like Jesus. That's so far off. I am just beginning to know myself.
There are also thoughts of war on everybody's mind. Suffering suffering suffering everywhere. C.S. Lewis saves my sanity by showing that suffering is not additive. There is no more actual suffering in the world than the suffering of the one person who is suffering the most. However, that can still seem horrendous, when I think of innocent babies suffering. I can't even read The Brothers Karamazov.